Suppose a genie were to offer you the following choice between two possibilities for the balance of your life. You can have either…
The Marriage You Want. You can pick out any person you know and marry ver. (Minor catch: you must pick out a specific person who actually exists. You may not specify a person who fits some list of desiderata and have the genie fetch ver for you, much less create de novo such a person for you if ve does not exist in the world. The genie is not that powerful, or that generous.) Ve will fall in love you as much as it is possible for ver to be in love with anyone and will unhesitatingly consent to your proposal of marriage when you make it. At the moment of your marriage your spouse will love you as much as it is possible for very to love anyone at the start of marriage. Over time, your spouse’s love for you will follow the trajectory that is diachronically love-optimal relative to their psychology. That is, after ten years of marriage, your spouse will love you as much as it would be possible for ver to love anyone after ten years of marriage, after twenty years as much as would be possible after twenty and so on. It is important to note that whatever love your spouse will feel for you will not transcend the limits imposed by ver psychology. If it happens that ve is just not a very loving person by nature, then ve will never love you very much, notwithstanding the genie’s magic. If ve is flighty by nature, ve might be deliriously in love with you on your wedding day but bored and cold, even disgusted, after ten, to say nothing of twenty, years of marriage. What is more, other aspects of your spouse’s identity do not necessarily change. Ve might love you, but ve isn’t going to suddenly start liking your hobbies or your friends or convert to your religion, unless ve just happens to be the sort of person who can be motivated by love to do such things. Not everyone is. Indeed, many people aren’t.
…or…
Endless Hot Dates. Imagine a reference class of people you find generally appealing, which you may specify to your tastes and may make as wide or as narrow as you like: cowboys, hairy leather daddies, Asian-American cougars, current Ivy League undergraduate women of above-median physical attractiveness, the entire adult population of Ireland, you name it. (Underage persons are right out, as even genies have some principles.) Once per week, for the rest of your life or for at least as long as your health permits and your interest holds out, you will meet a random stranger drawn from the reference class for a fun afternoon or evening of some enjoyable activity followed by a night of fun, enthusiastic, and consequence-free sex. Perhaps there will also be breakfast the morning. Next week: someone else.
Which would you choose? I am quite sure that if my philosophical twin Faustus-ב* had been offered the choice when he was a young man he would have quite unhesitatingly opted for The Marriage You Want. Indeed, at the time Faustus-ב would have confidently told the genie making the offer to just buzz off. Faustus-ב already had the love of the right woman, or at least so it seemed, in his then-girlfriend (call her “Second Serious Girlfriend-ב”) Surely he didn’t need the help of some old genie. At 25 or so, Faustus-ב was a mature, upstanding adult! Committed to such upstanding, society-approved values as love and support for another human being, for life. And perhaps such sentimental slogans as “if you would be loved, be worthy of love.”
At twice the age we think of as young, I’m sure Faustus-ב would settle for Endless Hot Dates. “But wouldn’t you find that empty, Faustus-ב?” Well, yes, of course he would. But as I’ve argued before, unless someone like Faustus-ב experiences lottery-winner-like luck in picking someone out, Faustus-ב would be face a lifetime of experiencing emptiness anyway. With Endless Hot Dates, Faustus-ב might at least have a chance of enjoying himself some before his time comes to sink into the grave.
Obviously, Faustus-ב will immature over the course of his lifetime. That’s what happens as you experience more of the world.
Since I can;’t help but accumulate experiences over my lifetime, I’m afraid I’m immaturing too.
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*Faustus-ב (“Faustus-bet”) is very similar to me but lacks certain of my specific life-commitments, hence he is free to make certain choices that might be, shall we say, more character-revealing than the ones that I might actually make. Back to main text.